… on ‘oh my gawd oh my gawd oh my gawd….’
October 19, 2014
Oh my Gawd oh my Gawd oh my Gawd…
OH MY GAWD THE ULTIMATE HOLIDAY PLANNER JUST ARRIVED!
Okay, see that flower arrangement on the front cover?
Totally gonna do it, and it will look exactly like that.
Can you see that there are food items that look cut off, on the right side, in beautiful bowls?
That is because it is a FOLD OUT COVER!
See?! Can you see all that food in all those perfect bowls with all that perfect crystal and cutlery and there is even a wine bottle with a perfect, brassy opener beside it?
That squash? That perfect turkey? The way those pomegranates sit in a bowl all red and yellow-y gold?
That pecan pie?
The incredibly happy (and in total awe of me) people who are sitting all around the perfect table – out of view – just waiting to dig in?
All gonna happen!
I totally believe this with all my pre-holiday season heart!
And when I open the magazine to page 185, which according to the Table of Contents will provide me with “Sanity Saving Checklists”?
Oh the joy.
I cannot tell you how helpful this is!
Seven Things to do Before the Bell Rings.
Awesome. Because ‘prep’ is everything. Okay, here goes:
1. I will line the kitchen trash can with more than one bag, so I can take out a full load and have a fresh bag in place. 2. I will hide anything precious that could get knocked over. 3. If coats and bags will be heaped on my bed, I will spread a sheet over the duvet and pillows to protect them. 4. I will clear space on a buffet or a kitchen counter for cooked dishes that guests bring – or a special spot for desserts. 5. I will swipe corners with a Swiffer, then dim the lights to camouflage any missed dust bunnies. 6. I will light a candle in the bathroom. And 7. I will warm apple cider in a pot and toss in cinnamon sticks and any fruit I have lying around. The scent will lure guests in like characters in a cartoon!
Yes, it really does say ‘characters in a cartoon’.
I have to do all of those things before guests ring the bell?
Problem number one:
Problem number two:
I do not know if the bag-on-bag idea will work in my house. Usually, there are like twenty plus people here on Thanksgiving and Christmas (Christmas is more like thirty or even more at this point because significant others, that’s why). I don’t think that everyone will understand the two bag thingie. I think that when I scream, “Gabe! Take the trash out!” over the perfectly pitched clink of my perfect crystal goblets that I don’t yet own, Gabe might grab both bags, thus defeating the entire goal of the two bags in the trash to begin with. And, also, I think if I have to notify each of the twenty or thirty-something guests about my two trash bag idea that I got from Real Simple Magazine, that might take longer than just putting another bag in the trash bin after Gabe takes out the trash… which, who is kidding who, he will balk at when I ask.
Problem number three:
I don’t have anything precious to be knocked over. I have three, rather large, dogs. If it was precious, it already got knocked over. And thrown out.
Via a single trash bagged trash bin.
Problem number four:
What the fluck kind of duvet would get wrecked by a coat? Maybe there is some sort of very fragile hybrid duvet. Do I have one of those? Cuz I don’t want to have anything on my bed that a coat would wreck more than it would wreck a sheet. Note to self: Google ‘duvet’. If I have one of the frangible ones, toss it. That shit just doesn’t belong in this house.
Problem number five:
There is no clear space on the kitchen counter. Ever.
Clearing a space on my kitchen counter – and keeping it clear – is a magic trick that David Copperfield would be stressed to accomplish. It is probably the trick Houdini died trying to master.
Problem number six:
I don’t have a Swiffer with which to “swipe” corners with. But, I do have dimmers on my light switches. This allows me to turn down the lights, and thus could hide the remaining… wait. Remaining dust bunnies? That must have been a type-o. They meant resident dust bunnies right?
Clearly Real Simple Magazine needs a better editor.
Problem number seven is not a problem.
I will light a candle in the bathroom.
Duh. I have boys.
Problem number eight:
I will probably not warm apple cider in a pan, and stick in cinnamon sticks because people will be lured into the area like characters in a cartoon.
Because the last time I put apple cider in a pan and filled it with mulling spices (I did that, because two years ago, the Ultimate Holiday Planner told me to), I ended up with a black, burned something on the bottom of a rather expensive pan. So it smelled bad and I had to toss a pan. Bad juju.
But where was I?
I AM SO EXCITED THAT THE ULTIMATE HOLIDAY PLANNER IS HERE TO HELP ME PLAN AND CARRY OUT ALL OF THE PERFECT HOLIDAY ENTERTAINING IT WILL HAPPEN IN THIS VERY HOUSE THIS UPCOMING HOLIDAY SEASON!
I mean, I will have to augment and customize some of the advice along the way based on my own incredibly and perfectly and flawless household…
But in the mean time, in my mind?
It’s gonna be as perfect as my not-yet-even-creased, fold out cover of flowers and food and crystal and pies and turkey and veggies and… wait. I don’t even see a crumb on that table.
That’s exactly how clean my table’s gonna be…
Thanks for readin’.
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