I am an Apple fan.

Love the products, love the marketing, love the cool and hip vibe of being one of those people who ‘think different’.

It’s a bit of a chicken and egg thing.

But I’m pretty sure I thunk different before I ever used an Apple product.

I’ve been a crazy one, a misfit.. a round peg in a square hole (and vice versa).

I do not know if I am currently moving the human race forward… but I’m optimistic.

Right now I’m hanging out at the Genius Bar in my local mall’s Apple Store.

All of my photos are being held hostage.

The terrorists (I am referring to them as such due to the fact I am ‘terrified’ by this crime, not because the perps are affiliated with any specific terrorist organization)…

Yes, I just said ‘perp’.

And, yes, based on the keywords used in the short paragraph above – specifically, the words, ‘terrorists’, and ‘terrorist’ in relatively close succession – we should all assume we are currently being monitored by the NSA.

Look up and wave.

The terrorists holding my photos hostage did leave a note.

It said “Check to see that your permissions are set correctly blah blah blah-dy blah”…

or something like that.

And I was all, “Huh?”

But then my photos were all gone.

Luckily, my former career contributed greatly to my reconnaissance experience (hello again NSA guys) and I am currently looking at a colorized, nadir view of my photos.

I can see that they are in a sparsely populated neighborhood, on a side street named External Drive.  And – because I can see right into the buildings (heat signatures) – I know that my photos are in the ‘Library’.

So I came to see a genius, at the Genius Bar, to get some help with extraction.

Because Apple Geniuses are totally just like SEAL Team Six.

And I am here, talking to Brandon-the-Apple-Genius (I just asked him if I could call him ‘Team Leader’ and he said okay), who agrees with my own assessment of the satellite data.  The hostages are indeed in the Library.

Now to ideate a plan to extract them without any civilian casualties.

I don’t know what’s going to happen, but since I am embedded with the troops here, I feel that it is important that I report from the field.

It may not be pretty.

And it may be pretty raw.

For instance, Team Leader Brandon just said he was going to go and find a ‘more tenured Genius’.

I had no idea that Apple Geniuses were tenured.

Do you think that means ‘an even smarter Genius’…. or ‘A Genius you can’t fire’?

Because, I mean, if the new guy has total job security whether he gets the hostages out safely or not, I’m not feeling really good about this.

Seriously, I want his year-end bonus based on the successful completion of the mission.

Okay, people, I’ve gotta go.

Someone’s coming toward me with a frog suit, some sort of weaponry, and a parachute.

Things just got serious.

Oh look!

They all have little Apple logos on them…

Thanks for readin’.

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