I was talking to my friend last night and telling him about the fact that, on Monday – like three days away – fifty soccer players, all between the ages of 16 and 19 and a half will descend on my house for several hours.
Fine. The ‘between 16 and 19 and a half’ isn’t quite true. I was thinking of the Castle Anthrax scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. However, half of the motley soccer crew that will be here on Monday are a team from England, so the Monty Python thing is a little appropriate if only for the accents. But now I am thinking of Kevin Klein as Otto The Hitman from A Fish Called Wanda. So I have shifted my expectations. Basically, a whole bunch of boys between the ages of 15 and 18 (ish) will descend on my house and all I can think of is “k-k-k-Ken coming to k-k-k kill me”.
Luckily, I had Pinterest.
Allow me to explain…
You know how, sometimes, you jump on-line and every website you go to has ads for something you actually think you sort of want and you are wondering how this miraculous coincidence could be occurring, but then you remember you googled “can pigs really fly?” the other day and so maybe that is why numerous gnome-like lawn ornaments in the shape of flying pigs, for $9.99, keep showing up in your Facebook newsfeed?
Well, yesterday morning I was thinking about the 50 soccer players, 25 or so of which could be trying to k-k-k kill me, and I was feeling a little ‘edgy’.
It turns out that ‘edgy’ is a synonym for anxious and I was contemplating this when Pinterest…hang on, I’ll put it here so you can see it without scrolling (Just Ponderin’ is all about consumer convenience):
See, right there on the right!
Ya. An ad.
“Get rid of your ANXIETY”!
Right away I thought, ‘Oh my Gawd did I google ‘I’m feeling a bit edgy and might have anxiety because 50 soccer players are coming to my house on Monday afternoon”?
But then I was pretty sure I did not google that.
And then I looked closer at the ad and thought, ‘Hey, If they want me to not be anxious, why did the anti-anxiety ad people choose RED – the color of BLOOD and the DEVIL – for the word anxiety?’ And then, ‘Maybe they should have opted out of all caps so ‘anxiety’ wouldn’t be YELLING AT ME!’
Leading, of course, to more anxiety on my part.
The digitalogical heavens had offered me a psychological and therapy-ological olive branch and they ended up freaking me out even more!
I’m not even going to mention the fact that the anti-anxiety advertising geniuses also chose to represent their anxiety curing services with a woman. Alone. At night. Dressed in a dark hoodie!
Two choices, and only two: She is either a serial killer, out for a jog – probably on my street – with a blade hidden in her sock, or she is about to be off’d.
I went with victim because she is standing to the right of a dark and empty space.
Which, for anyone who has ever watched a horror movie knows will, at any moment, be filled with a Dracula or a zombie or a man in a hockey mask, most likely with Psycho-like theme accompaniment.
But then I thought the Pinterest anxiety-eliminating ad firm people might just be geniuses, because they actually contributed to my distressed-ness and so maybe I would click on the ad.
Which I did!
Bully for them.
Yep, more British language right there… I’m getting prepped for Monday.
So I read the ad and I am not kidding you when I share that I was being offered therapeutic services to deal with a plethora of issues including “stress, anxiety, depression, relationships, parenting, addictions, anger management, and self-esteem.” and there were 500 – FIVE HUNDRED – licensed and caring and experienced counselors there and they would perfectly match me to one of them based on my needs and personality!
How tempted was I to call up and tell them that I was a vegan republican trans-gender hindu with daddy issues and ask them to match me up with someone pronto?
Also, what license do you need for that job?
Would a driver’s license do?
Because I have had one of those since I was 16, and I could use some extra cash right now because we need to ‘augment’ (which means expensively renovate) the Maine House so it will be able to fit a bed downstairs just in case we need one there for Granny (or us!) one day.
But I wasn’t feeling particularly research-y yesterday, so haven’t checked on the credential requirements for anxiety elimination on-line.
I will just deal with the homicidal teenaged English soccer players on Monday, hoping that the other half of the crew keeps those Brits in line, and humble (because, as Kevin Klein says, those “English types are so superior” and they could be, I dunno).
But if they do act all snotty and superior because they think they can, because I am an American, I have a solution that I learned in Australia.
It is always better, when anyone outside the U.S. asks you where you are from, to say ‘Canada’.
No one ever seems to want to hassle a Canadian.
They probably figure they have enough to deal with, trying to figure out where they need to speak French, and also how to pronounce the combo of ‘ou’ in many words.
Anyway, if anyone asks me on Monday, I’m Canadian. I’ll just say this is just my ‘winter house’ – way down here in Dunstable, USA where it’s warmer.
It’s just self-preservation.
Which is key, I am learning, to avoiding anxiety.
Maybe I don’t need that Pinterest ad after all…
Thanks for readin’.
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