… on an incorrigible toddler


You know how sometimes, when your kids are little, and you have one of those days when they look really good. Like, you have gotten up on time and maybe even got a few hours of sleep in a row (‘in a row’ is big when you have little kids), and you wash them and dress them in cute outfits (the ones without stains and stuff) and folks think you must have it all together… one big, happy family… perfect little cherubs?


I am just so proud of Baby Huey.

Just look at him up there, being so beautiful and perfect in his pink-y reds and chartreuses (chartreusii? chartreusinism?).

Perfection, that is what he is.

I mean if you were to come over right now, I tell you, you would see…


You know how sometimes, when your kids are little, and you appear to have it all together… and then you stop at the grocery store where, out of nowhere, your kid has a total melt down in the cereal aisle? And this crisis occurs at the exact moment as that insufferable Missy Judgey-Juice from book club turns the corner and starts walking toward you with her own perfectly dressed and coiffed cherubs (Gentry and Kingsley Judgey-Juice)?

Extra points if your Judgey-Juices have chicken (boneless, skinless), fruits, and vegetables in their cart, and are in the cereal aisle to get gluten-free granola, while your kid is having a melt down over Cocoa Puffs next to your cart filled with Hostess Donettes and five boxes of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.

Anyway, you know how those are the times you wonder if it is really illegal – like if it’s actually written down somewhere – that you can’t duct tape your kids to a wall, or at least tie them up for a little bit so you can go to the grocery store alone, or take a nap?


You never wondered that.


Well. You probably aren’t going to like what’s going on here right now.

Please, before you call Plant Protective Services, hear me out.

Apparently, I was in error when I assumed Baby Huey’s COLOSSAL bulb thingie would, you know, support him in his growth.

I assumed this because that is what nature does…


Which is where the plants that I am used to keeping alive… live.

I’m so sorry for all the emphasizing. I’m just really tired and also worried and stressed.

Baby Huey is trying to fall over, and I’m afraid if he does, he will never get back up again.

He is… oh, I’m ashamed to admit this…

Here goes…

Top heavy.

I know.

I am being punished for being too prideful again.

I was so excited that I’d kept him alive until he flowered… then I bragged to you guys about it… and now he has *gasp* too many flowers! And you know what that means.


I am an overachieving indoor plant keeper-aliver.

I know, because who knew that was going to happen?

Not me, that is not who.

And now, poor Baby Huey is hogtied and practically handcuffed to the kitchen window lock thingie because, if he wasn’t, he would fall out of his pot!

Also, and I don’t want to scare you, but right now he has four fully open beautiful flowers… but many more are on the way – like at any minute! There are at least three bursting forth from another sea monster head, and the third Nessie-head is starting to get all pre-bloom creasy… so he’s only going to get top-heavier!

Before you tell me I should not have tied him to the window, just stop.

Firstly, he is not your plant kid.

I’m sure you are probably one of those plant parents that prefers to talk every single situation to death, with your little angel – preferably in some sort of sing-song-y voice – but c’mon, who is in charge here? And also? This is not a situation where I could have just stuck a stake in the soil and gently attached my out-of-control toddler to it. I tried. The pot is not deep enough and the stake thing just falls over with my overweight, and probably pre-diabetic, Baby Huey!

So, this is what I’m going to do.

I have some nice cushy green bendy stuff in the barn. I will go get it, and replace the twine that I hogtied him with. Then I will use my twine to tie that contraption to the window.

That way, what actually touches his skin will be nice and soft and dry and comfy.

Which just makes me realize…

It sounds like a diaper.

I am diapering my plant.

My freaking indoor plant that I got too cocky about and now, I swear to Gawd…

If he gets some sort of rash and I have to powder him too…

This is just…

I can’t even.

I’m going to the barn to get the diaper stuff.

Thanks for readin’.

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