… on divorce endorphins
April 20, 2018
I’M A SPIN INSTRUCTOR!
Okay, I only have one student… and I’m married to him… but still!
Let me back up.
JoHn and I take a class that I call ‘Old Lady Spin Class’ – the Old Lady pertaining to no one else in the class except me , and is mainly based on how old I feel after exercising.
Everyone else calls it by its official name, which is ‘Easy Rider’.
I love this class, mainly because everyone else I know who does spinning talks about their instructor kicking their butt to the point of nausea, while I talk about what my spinning neighbors did during the weekend and what’s happening in town and stuff because we get to chat during our class because… Easy Rider.
I like going to aerobics before spin class because, sure, the music is good, but mainly because one day another woman in spin class – whose name is Jill (I mention this because I am horrible with names, but I remember hers and so I am bragging)… Anyway, Jill said she goes to aerobics and then goes to spin class and she does this twice a week and then does one more aerobics class on Fridays and that’s five classes and she feels accomplished. My brain processed this as “you can double up, and sure it will suck at the time, but then you be done with all your exercise for the week!” That sounded good to my brain so we decided to try it, and it’s…
But still it is also fun so we – me and my brain – have been doing that. And, after each of my aerobics classes, JoHn meets me and we head to Old Lady Spin Class. However, this week happened to be ‘Break Week’, which is the week between sessions, so there was a special schedule.
So, after aerobics class, I stepped out of the gym and met JoHn in the lobby and we headed downstairs to the bike room and…
No one was there.
We thought that there was a substitute teacher for this class but, apparently, we remembered wrong (an important, totally scientific, point about exercise and memory will be made below).
It was only after we were on our bikes, pedaling and chatting for about ten minutes, that it became clear no one else was coming. This was okay because we could just pedal and talk for an hour, but then I said to JoHn that we could… oh yes… have a class!
And I’m not going to lie, he looked a little scared. But then he said okay!
So I got off my bike (again) to get my phone, so I could put on my ‘work out’ playlist (which I hadn’t listened to since… fine. Since I made the ‘work out’ playlist).
Adele’s Rumor Has It came on nice and loud, and I climbed back on my bike and said we would ride for two more minutes, using the music to set our pace and then we would climb a hill (which means you ride for a minute, and then increase your tension (or pretend to, which is a valid thing to do in spin class (so I hear)) and then ride another minute and then increase and… well, you get it.
JoHn asked, “How many times will we increase the tension”, and I said, “Eight!” (and I smiled).
I called out cues too, because I am helpful.
“Okay… get ready to increase the tension… three, two, one, now!”
JoHn said he wanted a divorce after increase six.
But we made it to eight, where we had to stand up and peddle to Bon Jovi’s Runaway.
Then we rested, which is not really resting – it’s spinning resting – which means you get to sit up but your legs still go around and around.
This is why spinning is a not nice way to exercise, I’m just saying.
So then I said, in one more minute, we would do a tibata, which JoHn calls a Chobani.
A tibata/Chobani is when you ride really hard and fast for twenty seconds, and then you go slow for ten. Technically – and I have measured – this is the longest twenty seconds in the world, followed by the shortest ten. And I told JoHn that we would do this eight times and I would watch the clock and make the calls.
This time, when JoHn started wHining, I just sang really loud to The Cranberries Zombie.
We did a few more things after that, three of each of stuff I can’t remember, which reminded me that memory loss is a side effect of spinning.
I know this because, almost every time someone tells a story (yes, telling stories is possible in Old Lady Spin Class), he or she gets stuck on certain details, like the name of people and/or places. This includes me. Sometimes, the teacher picks up his or her phone and Googles the answer for us.
Googling is also possible in Old Lady Spin Class.
Anyway, this had me making a mental note that all the research I’d seen on memory being enhanced by exercise was bull pucky and is probably just another establishment attempt to make us feel like exercising is a good thing when really it’s just a sweaty thing that tuckers us out. Orwell could have written a great book about this.
I ended the class with backward pedaling and stretching and some deep breathing and, somehow, we both survived even if JoHn was a bit eye-roll-y and seemed somewhat confused as to what just happened (perhaps an indication of other neurological issues, aside from memory lapses, associated with exercising).
So that’s it.
In addition to being a Wicked Professional Photographer, I am now and Unpaid But Nonetheless Wicked Professional Spin Instructor.
But potentially certifiable.
Thanks for readin’.
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