I just want to say…

I’m not washing the dang door.

The other day, I read an article about making one’s home more welcoming. I am having friends for dinner tonight (Well, I’m having them come to dinner. But if they read this before they come, I want them wondering if they might be the main course)… anyway, I was reading this article on what it would take to make The Inn* all welcoming, and I was thinking that I do want my friends to feel welcome (at least to a point) so I paid attention.

There was a whole list of recommendations to make our homes feel all kinds of embrace-y and huggy, and I ticked through it item by item. With an attitude. You know, as if the list was trying to catch me in mistakes of etiquette-tiary proportions. Examples follow:

List item: Have comfortable throws available, in case guests get chilled.

Check!

I have three throws – folded, not thrown – in my living room. ‘Throw’ is another word for ‘blanket’, but throws are smaller and, sometimes, more expensive. So you get less material for your dollar, and also fewer syllables. The throws-not-thrown about in my living room are fake fur and don’t fool me at all. I know they are not real fur because I bought them.

Also, I have heat. Which also helps people feel not-chilled. So I will use that too.

List item:  Use soft lighting, including candles.

I thought, “I am so prepared! I am all about the soft lighting and the candles!” I even went to check my supply, and I think I will use some lovely soft peony scented candles tonight because it is practically Valentine’s day – which is practically next to St. Patrick’s Day, which smashes right up against Easter, which is a hop away from Memorial Day, which is when I can plant more flowers outside… so florals are called for.

List item: Have music playing when guests arrive.

Ha! Do you know what? I am all about having music on when people come in because I, myself, find walking into a quiet house way too suspenseful. I immediately flash to those police shows where the officers show up at the door and they try the door and it’s unlocked and they walk in and it is dead quiet because… well… the dead are quiet!

I even keep music on in my own house, when I’m home alone, just in case. I’m that risk averse.

List item: If you have a fireplace, build a warm, crackling fire.

Wait. People who have fireplaces don’t generally fill them with warm, crackling fires? Is that a thing? Well it is not here, I tell you.

I am an expert at yelling very loudly into the other room to tell JoHn to build a fire in the fireplace.

List item: Don’t forget to pay attention to scents. Good smells are essential.

Okay.

I’ve already mentioned the whole ‘soft peony’ thing (see above). Also, I don’t tend to put bad smells out when people come anyway (and I ask my family members to avoid doing so as well), so I think I’m safe on this one.

There were a heap of other advice pieces, one of which – and I am not kidding – was ‘Soften any harsh edges and straight lines’. I don’t even know what that means. It mentioned all the harsh edges and lines on tables and even some modern upholstered furniture and said you could use your aforementioned throws and other items to soften their edges.

?

My thought was to cut curves and circles and other nice, not-harsh shapes out of the construction paper I have in the cabinet for when my Practice Grandchildren visit, and scotch tape these shapes to my harsh edges. But that all sounds like clutter and plus who wants to dust their construction paper shapes weekly?

Not me. That’s not who.

And there were way more list items, none of which really blew my mind.

Until.

List item: Don’t forget to wash your entry door.

Wash.

Yourdoor.

This one required me to read the accompanying explanatory paragraph, which went something like this:

Your door, front or alternative entry, is often the very first impression guests form of what is to come…

So, of course, you have to wash it.

Me? I have trouble fitting in a shower to wash myself before my friends come over.

I am often underwashed.

And so…

After lighting my candles, and fluffing my throws, and yelling to JoHn that he can’t forget to make a fire in the fireplace, and cutting out and scotch taping shapes to my harsh edges, and putting out good smells whilst banishing bad ones…

You know what?

I’m drawing the line.

I am not washing my door.

I might even smear mud on it.

Oh yes, I might!

Mud… on the very door my friends will walk through, giving them – apparently – the first impression of who I am as a human being, when they walk through my door mere hours from right now.

And you know what? Screw it!

I’m going to rub garlic all over my woodwork so it stinks to high garlic heaven, this will have the additional bonus effect of weeding any vampires out of my friend group… which I wanted to do anyway!

And forget the throws and fires in the fireplaces and candle light and music and the peonies wafting and the circles and other curvy shapes scotch taped to my harsh lines! Also? I’m going to put out a peanut butter and grape jelly bar instead of serving my currently planned jambalaya because my friends understand my oppositional reflex and I am betting THEY WILL COME AND STAY IN MY DECIDEDLY UNWELCOMING HOUSE ANYWAY!

I AM SORRY FOR YELLING!

Okay.

Fine. 

The garlic will be probably better in my jambalaya than on my cabinets, and they’ll probably like it better than the grape jelly (even if it is Welch’s).

And I like the throws…. and some of my friends are cold even when the heat is on so…

The throws can stay.

And I’ll turn on the music. I’d be scared without it anyway.

Candles are always nice too.

And fires in the fireplace.

And…

Ugh.

I suppose I was going to clean the dog’s booger smears off the inside of the entry door anyway, so I’ll still do that.

But that’s it.

But…

The nose smears are on the outside of the door too.

I’ll wipe those off too.

Sigh.

Well if I’m going to do all that, I might as well go ahead and wipe the whole door down… I mean I don’t want some spots clean and some spots dirty and…

Dammit.

Thanks for readin’

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*Our house used to be an inn, in the early 1900s. It is not an inn right now. So, if you showed up in your pajamas, with your toothbrush, it would be a little uncomfortable.