… on the relationship between penises and string theory


‘Penis’ by Sam Dingle. Skittles on Soapstone. 2014

It’s a penis made of Skittles.


A Skittle penis.

Number-One-Son-Sam was home from college on his spring break for his birthday. You may recall a photo a few posts ago of the number 20 scrawled on the kitchen counter (I chose my kitchen counter material due to its chalkboard appeal because who doesn’t want to draw on their kitchen counter? No one, that’s who.) Anyway, around the number 20 (Sam’s new age when he woke up on April 13th), were a pound or more of Skittles, his favorite candy.

So when he came downstairs and saw the countertop, he smiled and opened his cards and present and then gathered up his Skittles.

To eat?


To make a penis.

Do you think the candy design team of Skittles, or M&M’s (or, really, any product known to mankind (or food item, as I have previously demonstrated with those miniature oranges known as clementines)) actually acknowledges that, in the hands of boys, their product might one day be utilized to construct the penis?

Okay. Maybe.


I wonder if anyone has ever thought of me, when they think that.

You know, that designer (or deity, in the cases of non-human constructed food items like say, the grass that Fred consumes in mass quantities for the sole purpose of convincing Grampa that he is starving)… do you think the designers of such things ever thinks of the long, suffering mother (or wife) of those boys and thinks, “Gee, how could I construct a food item that can not be rearranged, in any way, to resemble the human penis…”.

I think that this happens sometimes.


Because even though I am not a food designer, I have thought of this.

I have thought, “What could Gabe and Sam and Half-Kid Jack and John not make into a penis?”

Okay, fine. It might be a wHierd question, but I have never been successful at counting sheep and what else am I going to think about, when I can’t fall asleep, and I don’t want to think about super stressful things that will surely tap into my adrenalin reserves, thus causing a totally out of control high-speed brain train to nowhere good at 2:00 a.m?

Nothing. That’s what.

Clearly penile construction using every day items is the only problem I should focus on.

Well, that and string theory.

And it just so happens that contemplating both topics actually results in the exact same answer anyway so…


You want proof?


“What could Sam, Gabe, Jack, and John not make into a penis?” and “How does string theory actually work?”

Answer to both?

“I have no freakin’ idea.”

Thanks for readin’.

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