… on a dog’s dream job
November 01, 2014
A while ago, I noticed that Marshal Dillon Dingle was showing an increased interest in alcohol.
So I called him over for a little chat.
I asked him if there was anything bothering him and he said that he’d been preoccupied ever since we’d watched the movie, Zero Dark Thirty the week before.
I was thinking that he was stuck on the beauty and brains of Jessica Chastain’s character (because she is very beautiful and very brain-y), but he said no. He was actually a little smitten with a different character.
Turns out that (and we had to do some research to find this out) there was a dog named Cairo, who went into the compound with the Navy Seals when they got Osama Bin Ladin.
I know, right?
So now Marshal Dillon Dingle was all preoccupied with that dog. In real life, he is a Belgian Malinois. But in the movie, he was played by a German ShepHerd.
So I was all, “It’s totally okay Marshal Dillon Dingle. JoHn and I will always love you no matter who you love.”
Because, you know, I thought he was gay.
But it turns out that Marshal Dillon Dingle is not gay.
He just wants to be a Navy Seal.
Which, I hear, is harder to achieve than being gay. So I was concerned but up for the challenge.
So today we went outside to see if Marshal had what it takes to be a Navy Seal.
First, we had a talk inside and that talk was all about equipment.
So I explained that he would have to wear a harness and carry stuff. He assured me that this would be a piece of cake, and then I had to remind him about how traumatic he thought wearing his new collar was.
But he was game so we strapped on some equipment (which was really the backpack I use to carry water and small snacks when we go hiking – which is, like, never but one should always have celebratory snacks when one hikes).
And so I sent him out for a quick hike to get used to the equipment. And so he did.
I assure you, no rookie Navy Seals were harmed in the above scene. Marshal Dillon Dingle is dramatic for sure, but he was never stuck. And then… he was ready.
So I gave him the drill.
“Go find the bomb. The. Bomb. Is. Purple.”
And he seemed rearin’ to go…
Right? I mean, a little sideways vs. forward but once he got going, he was in full search mode!
And I was all, “Great job rookie!” And then I was all, “No, not near the tree…”
And then he left the tree and I was all happy because I thought he was gonna, well, you know. And then….
I know, I know. But even Navy Seals have to pee once in a while so I gave him a little latitude. But then we were pressed for time (it was a timed exercise) so I issued the command:
“Go find the bomb. The bomb is purple. Pick it up and run it into the safety zone so we can detonate it and then return to me.”
But I think that Marshal has a hearing problem and what he heard was:
“Go find the fallen branch and nibble on the twigs, thus ensuring our safety.”
And I tried to redirect him, so that he wouldn’t get any demerits, and then I looked over at Blaze and she was shaking her head and making that face…
So I was all, hey Blaze, maybe you could show him! And she was all…
So I yelled, “Hey Marshall Dillon Dingle! Just watch Blaze!” And gave Blaze the command:
“Blaze. Go find the bomb. The bomb is green. G-R-E-E-N. Find it and take it far away so we can detonate it safely and then return to me.”
Good girl, Blaze.
Okay. So now Marshal Dillon Dingle was totally ready.
I decided to walk him through each part of the multi-step plan (I gave him accommodations on account of his documented attention deficit disorder). First, I told him to go get the bomb, which was purple (I did not bother to spell it. I didn’t think it would matter).
And he did!
And I told him to carefully pick it up and bring it to… no… NO! Don’t lie down!
Okay, you need a rest. Okay, just rest but whatever you do don’t…no DON’T!
Okay…. whoa. Eeeeeeaaaaaaasy…eeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaasy…..just. don’t. bite. down….
Oh… dude. You blew us up! Okay. Let’s try again… carefully pick the bomb up…
Goooooood….. gooood dog…. Okay, now carry it carefully….
gooooood…. goooood…. okay, bring it very far away so that it can be detonated safely…. good boy…. gooooood….goooood…..wait….. waaaaaait….no don’t come this way…..
no….no no no…..no don’t don’t….NO!
I know. Kapow. We’re all dead.
So Marshal Dillon Dingle did not pass Navy Seal Training today. And was quite sad.
But the good news is that it is Halloween night, and there is still one hour of trick-or-treating left! So I told him he could still wear his costume…er…. uniform and he could keep every piece of candy he got.
Thanks for readin’.
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