What the….

Dear Sam,

I know! Cool right?!

It’s a mousetrap!

There are five little holes drilled in the side, beneath each steel thing-a-ma-bub.  You push the do-hickeys down, insert the cheese in the bottom of it, hook a little hook and set it.  But it is actually a wicked cruel torture device because nothing ‘snapped’.  A little u-shaped thingie just grabbed and held the mouse.

I know. Awful.

Turns out the Tower of London torture stuff had nothing on our Maine house.

The guys doing the demo found it in the wall, and I don’t know exactly when it got in there, but the part of the house we’re messing with… I mean renovating… we think it was added in 1880.  So I did a little research (I know, shocker) and this mouse trap is called a ‘choker mouse trap” and it was patented by a sadist… I mean ‘guy’… named Edward Hotchkiss in 1886 and later a company from Canada made it in steel too, probably because they didn’t want to use up all their trees.  So, anyway, the mousetrap is pretty dang old and the ghosts of tortured mice probably haunt our house.

So there’s that.

But forget about that for a second because we also found….. this….

No.

Research.

Necessary.

Vampire spike.

I know it, and you know it.

It is about 12 inches long and wicked sharp.  And given to me by a house that has had a power over me since I first stepped into it over a decade ago.

And now I know why.

Because just at the time that you are telling me that you will off me as a liability due to my wHimpy Achilles tendons should the zombie apocalypse happen right now? Well, sonny boy, turns out that the universe (and my beloved house) have given me a playing field-leveling weapon and sign.

My Achilles issues mean that I cannot run (though, as I have said, I can skip and march and even do that sideways do-si-do thing wicked fast… none of which is good enough for you).

But guess what?

Vampires are not just wicked fast, they are super-duper fast and you cannot even see them move they are so fast,  So you can act all sorts of hoity-toity with your fully operational Achilles tendons but running is not going to save you at all if a vampire – and not even a whole horde of them – just one vampire – shows up at your house.

And sure, you (as a mere mortal) can train and all that but we both spent many hours watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer during your childhood and we know that great slayers also need to be chosen (or genetically predisposed or something) and I am taking this as a sign.

I have been chosen.

This is my spike.

And guess what Sam?!

If it is a vampire, and not a zombie issue? You are so going to want to be with me on this because I have already started my training (which has thus far included posing in threatening positions, holding the spike above my head and making my face mean and scary).

So I would say we might need each other now, and are in a bit of a position to bargain.

Because even if the zombies show up first, vampires might not be far behind.  You never know when you might need a spike-weilding chosen one.

Consider it.

Get back to me.

Love,

Mom

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