Last night I asked Marshal if he wanted to be a measuring stick.
Blaze and I had been discussing the impact of a 24-hour news cycle on the fragile psyches of children and puppies – being a multi-species household – and it occurred to me that the rest of the country was going to be bombarded with scary winter storm stories about… you know… us, and we would actually be living it.
I mean, hopefully we would be living it.
Surviving, I mean.
Because you never know.
They have even named this storm – because we name snow storms now, which makes everything a bit more personal I think. This one is ‘Stella’… clearly chosen for its calming effect.
Because no one would ever, like, want to scream ‘Stella!’ and fall to their knees in the agony of a moment.
So I went to The Weather Channel to see what I could find for you and guess what?! I found five – FIVE – Things to Know About Winter Storm Stella!
Well… if they say we need to know…. let’s know!
Okay, the first thing they say we need to know is when – when – the heaviest snow will hit the northeast.
The implication is that a snowstorm, anthropomorphically dubbed ‘Stella’ is going to assault us… but I digress. I analyzed all their times and numbers and stuff. Allow me to tell you when.
Okay now on to number two.
Blizzard Conditions, Tree Damage and Power Outages Possible.
This seems to be due to the fact that snow is falling from the sky. Contrary to popular belief, snow has mass and sometimes, when it feels like it, mass has this thing called weight. So when the snow falls, and then more snow falls on top of that, it sometimes gets heavy.
Also there could be wind.
On to number three.
Stella Could be New York City’s Fifth March Snowstorm of a Foot or More.
What is it with media people and New York?
So…. some areas of the northeast have “24 inches PLUS” noted on their colorful representations of winter meteorological blizzard terror, and you are playing scenes of past winter storm seas gobbling up the Massachusetts coastline, but the fact that ‘just four of the 36 snowstorms that have dumped a foot of snow on the Big Apple since 1869 have been in March” makes your top five things I need to know about Stella?
I’m sure this information nugget will prove priceless to some scallop fisherman securing his boat in Gloucester Harbor (say: Glaw-stuh Hah-buh) this morning.
I just can’t.
Okay onto number four.
Stella a Midwest and Southern Snowmaker too.
Firstly, spellcheck tells me that ‘snowmaker’ isn’t even a word.
But secondly, this point seems like an afterthought and also quite unfair.
While the midwest is pretty hardy when it comes to snow and, you know, has plows, the southern states are getting the short end of this ‘churning up the horror’ stick.
I will use math.
1 inch of snow south of the Mason Dixon is equal to 1 foot of snow in Bawstun.
That, my friends, is a scientific fact.
So that means two inches of snow in Birmingham is a freaking apocalypse. Now, I’m not saying Stella dumped, is dumping, or is about to dump two inches of snow in Birmingham… but it could.
Did you see what I did there? I made all the people in Birmingham nervous about the possibility of weather.
Clearly, I expect a sweet contract offer from The Weather Channel, as I am a natural.
Okay, now for the number five thing I need to know about Stella.
Reconnaissance Flights Providing Extra Data.
Do you think there are wire taps involved or no? Is it even… wait. Is it even legal to gather information on a storm with a human name if she doesn’t know the information is being collected?
We kind of know you are constantly collecting information so you can tell us more about how Stella is going to rain down frozen fire and brimstone and we are all doomed… but reconnaissance?
You know what? My dogs committed espionage last night. They did. They got JoHn to turn over items that would help them with their own personal causes.
They looked up at him with pleading eyes. He gave them steak.
News at eleven.
All that being said, when I mentioned ‘reconnaissance’ to Marshal he was pretty excited.
Having asked him to be a ‘measuring stick’ for you today, he was already psyched. But when I asked him to participate in reconnaissance he was absolutely giddy!
So we will head out a few times today, to show you what is really happening here – to prove a very important weather theory, which is the basis for our story.
When it snows…
You can see it.
And thanks for readin’.
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