… on plumbing (and the power of money)


That is the Nearly Perfect Husband up there.

On a lobster (lob-stah) boat.

In the midst, and mist, of a very windy and soon-to-be stormy evening.

He’d just successfully helped our friend, and Captain, tie the Casey Anne up to its mooring which, I think, made the Nearly Perfect One feel practically Admiral-ready.

I smiled and shook my head and clicked away (which was hard, because normally head shaking results in really blurry photos).

Seems I have been smiling and shaking my head at this man for quite some time.

As a matter of fact, last week we realized I’d been doing it – like, officially as his wife – for some 28 years.

If he were right here, he would be taking a bow… and I would be smiling and shaking my head.

Which I was also doing the other day, as he was prepping…

For a certain pro-cee-dure.

Being a first timer of this particular… er… plumbing procedure, he was being thorough.

He’d gone to the doctor and received his marching orders, which included a whole day of… uh… pipe flushing.

This included the consumption of laced Gatorade and… well… not much else. Which alarmed me because not being able to eat is, like, JoHn’s version of Armageddon.

“Except clear liquids!” he informed me, with gusto and glee, when he was heading out to the store to purchase his prep materials.

I know… wHeird. I mean, who looks forward to shopping for procedure prep materials?

The Nearly Perfect Husband, that’s who.

And when he came home from the grocery store, he seemed to have far too many bags filled with stuff.

At first, I assumed he’d purchased not-clear food for me, but he was way too happy for that.

“I asked what constituted ‘clear liquids’,” he explained “and it is WAY more than you would think!”

Here is what he unpacked:

2 jars each – chicken and beef – “Better than Bullion” (because, I imagine, it is better than bullion)

5 family packs (1 lb each) of assorted hard candies

4 packs (six in each) of jello (“…not red or blue or purple because those weren’t allowed.”)

1/2 gallon of cranberry juice

1/2 gallon of grape juice

1 box of 20 decaffeinated black tea bags

1 box of 20 green tea bags

Gourmet coffee beans

One twelve-pack of Diet Coke

One twelve-pack of ginger ale

One large box of chicken broth, and one large box of beef (in case the Better than Bullion wasn’t, in fact, better than broth)

One pound of Tootsie Pops (he swore he wouldn’t eat the chewy centers)

And TWO large boxes of popsicles (twelve in each) – all colors.

Also, I should share with you, he did buy me some Fritos (“Just because.” (I know. That’s my man)).


Other than the consumed items, I will not get into any more detail on the plumbing procedure prep.

I know.

My inner twelve-year-old boy is really hard to control right now (because poop).

JoHn did have a very good Prep Day though, consuming a lot of colorful food and drink items. On Procedure Day, I thought it might have been good if they invited me into the room to consult, because I would have warned the doctor that it was highly likely that JoHn would be peeing a rainbow sometime before the 45 minutes were up. Which I think would have been helpful.

When the nurse came to get me, and I got to see him, JoHn answered that he had not, in fact, pee’d a rainbow.

Which could have been lie.

Because he was on drugs.

He was also laughing because he had just been told, for the fourth time, not to make any financial decisions for the rest of the day.

Which was very exciting to me because, apparently, I got to be in charge of ALL of the financial decisions (when I informed JoHn of my deduction, his eyes got very wide and he said he didn’t agree with my assessment and I told him to rest his little head because he was in no shape to think).

He got dressed and we were walking out to the car and I asked him if he was okay and he said he thought people were making way too much of the effects of the medication he’d been given to relax him for the plumbing procedure.

I just said “okay” because you don’t want to point out potential problems to someone who is on drugs because they can go crazy.

When we got close to home, I asked JoHn if he wanted to stop into his favorite coffee shop to get his afternoon iced coffee from Dan (his coffee dealer), because we would not be going out for the rest of the day. He said yes.


JoHn had been rather chatty on the way home so I pulled over into the ‘Don’t Pull Over Here and DEFINITELY Don’t Idle Here’ zone and I looked him in the eye and said the following:

“Okay. Go and get your coffee but hurry because I can’t stay here for very long. If there’s a line I’ll drive around the block and come back and pick you up. But DON’T talk to Dan for a long time. Just get your iced coffee and don’t order anything else, and come right back.”

And my darling husband said, “Okay. I’m not even hungry so I’ll just get the coffee and be right out.”

And he got out and I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And when people started eyeing me with disgust I pulled out of the forbidden spot and drove around the block.


Then I got back.

No JoHn.

Then I waited and then I drove around the block again.

Then got back.


And this happened four more times and for more than twenty minutes!

Then happy JoHn came bebopping out of the shop with his coffee and a bag in his hand.

He got in the car and smiled and showed me his new sandwich and said Dan was doing fine and something about his brother and wife and life story and then I started driving home.

A few minutes later, JoHn said he was sorry he took so long in the coffee shop.

I just smiled and said that was totally okay.

And I might have been a bit too jovial in my response because he started to look a bit worried.

And then his addled brain caught up to reality and he said, “No!”

And I asked ‘What?!” with much innocence.

And he said, “You canNOT make lots of financial decisions this afternoon! That isn’t fair!”

And that’s when I knew that he is still totally my soul mate and we are totally still in sync after twenty-eight whole years of marriage.

Because while I was driving around the block, waiting for him, I was placating myself with the knowledge that I have more than a few, rather expensive items in my B&H Photo on-line shopping cart…

Also: I am registered for One Click Checkout.

Stay tuned.

Thanks for readin’.

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