This post was going to be professionally illustrated.
I drew the amoeba, and then the red circle with a line through it.
Then I selected my super duper special brush pen. But I was so focused on the form of the letters that I forgot to put the ‘m’ right after the ‘a’ (which is the reason for the ‘dammit!’).
But then I thought, “That’s fine. It’s actually funny that I made a mistake. Makes me appear more human.”
As opposed to…. (?!)
So I re-did it, then I took a very nice and artsy photo, applying some ‘soft texture’ for emotional appeal.
Then I saved it…
Exported it to my ‘Blog Photos 1’ folder…
Imported it to the Just Ponderin’ blog…
And started typing… which is right now.
Which is when I realize I misspelled the word, amoeba, twice.
Totally serves me right, too.
Because once I thought I’d spelt it correctly, I really did feel cocky. I even added the ‘by Lisa’, with script-y flair.
Now I am shaking my head and laughing so much at myself that it is hard to type.
Can you give me a minute?
Okay. I’m good.
So. The reason that I invested so much creative energy drawing a fuzzy, mean, green amOeba is because I have just read an article, in Real Simple magazine, entitled, “5 Cleaning Habits for a More Sanitary Home”.
I was pretty excited to happen across the article, because of all the infection-ing going on right now. It was a revelation.
Let’s hit this point by point, shall we?
Pre-Point One: “…The truth of the matter is that this type of cleaning may actually be less satisfying than, say, organizing your closet. After all, when you disinfect your doorknob, the difference is on a microscopic level. No one, not even you, can see or admire the change…”
So. Immediate issue.
I like to feel good and accomplished and contentment-ish after I clean. I see the results, I am immersed in all the positive feels. This is not a small thing, it is a motivating thing.
I mean, sure, my friends leaving my house… you know… alive is probably something I should feel good about too. But the whole idea of friends coming over and then leaving without the guidance of a mortician is something that I’ve long felt a bit… entitled to.
But then I thought, ‘Well, if I didn’t clean at the microscopic level, I’d probably only lose one or two of them, and probably not for a few weeks after they leave my house…’ (I mean, most likely I fed them, so what more do they want? Also I don’t think anyone could trace it back to me so…).
Buuuut, then I tried to figure out which one or two friends – or, what the heck, family – I’d be okay losing to household deadly infection disease, and that was hard because I could see their faces in my mind’s eye, and they all looked so need-y and plead-y. It was disconcerting.
So I read on.
Point One: “Take Off Your Shoes”
Okay, so my first thought was ‘Do you really have to capitalize ‘off’ in that title? Is it really an essential word?’… but I really feel uncomfortable picking and choosing what is essential and what is not, so I punted that question to the government.
The ‘take off your shoes’ thing is all about amOebas (and other microscopics) attaching themselves to the bottoms of our shoes. And, when we walk them all over the place, they drop off and hide. Then someone or something – that looks all host-like to them – comes along, and they toss themselves at it and hold on tight.
The article suggested leaving a nice pair of slippers by the door so I can kick off my shoes, step into my slippers, and get on with not killing my visitors.
Where exactly do I kick off my festering, contagious excuses for footwear?
Well, then the amOebas are inside.
Fine, but what if they start to divide and line my doorway with their clones, hurling themselves at my friends and family before they come in?
So, I thought, maybe near my car!
Okay, but then my shoes live in my car and my slippers live outside of my car and I would wear the slippers all the way to the house. What if some rando amOeba hooks up with the bottom of my slipper on the path to the farmer’s/farmers porch?
The slipper argument was… shall we say… lacking.
Point Two: Close the Toilet Lid Before You Flush
These are actually a thing!
Deep breath (hoping nearest toilet bowl is not open, and not flushing itself).
So, apparently, if you keep the lid open and flush, aerosols are released into the air and can land on any surface they want to! This point even mentions… and I’m not kidding… we should all locate our toothbrushes “as far away from the toilet as possible”.
Mine is now on my dock.
Point Three: Learn the Importance of Contact Time
I thought this point was going to be all about hugging.
Because I’d read once that, in order to get the full benefits of a hug, you have to hold it for at least a minute. Not being a hugger, I found this awkward, as did any new person I met when we were all still hugging. They would try to pull away after, like, five seconds. At then they got really fidgety. By fifteen some of them began to scream.
But this point wasn’t actually about that. It was all about the fact that most of us are really bad cleaners.
Apparently, if you just spray something with disinfecting stuff and then wipe up the disinfecting stuff right away, you could be killing you.
There needs to be more contact time!
This point says the stuff you spray, or otherwise apply to a surface, has to hang out there for a certain amount of ‘contact time’ before you wipe it up. Otherwise, why bother?
The author of this point – who has an awful lot of time on her hands – suggests we check out the labels on our Clorox spray or wipes or whatever else we are using and see what guidelines they have for optimal contact time.
If I use multiple cleaning products there are a lot of numbers involved, which sounds an awful lot like math to me.
My friends and family are looking more and more unnecessary.
Point Four: Stop Taking Your Phone Into the Bathroom
As we have already learned about TOILET PLUMES, I have nothing more to say on this point.
Point Five: Clean Your Reusable Shopping Bags (and Don’t Put Them on the Counter)
So now that I have finally acquired, and mastered the art of, reusable shopping bags – in that ‘how to make sure they are in my car when I need them because I tend to shop spontaneously’ way – my reusable shopping bags appear to be… oh I dunno… deadly.
Well, this is just great.
The reusable shopping bags I’ve acquired cannot be washed in my washing machine because they are funky material that may also be recyclable. They feel like net. I think I could tear them if I tried hard enough.
Best guess is they’d come out of the washing machine as semi-round lumps of plastic.
Which I couldn’t then throw out because they’d be a choking hazard for, possibly, a Siberian tiger.
I’d never be able to live with myself if I was responsible for killing a Siberian tiger. They are endangered. Once there were nine species of tiger and three have become extinct in the 20th century. That leaves only six species left. Sometimes it feels like I have more than six species of friends, let alone family. The tigers might be more endangered.
This may just come down to numbers.
The article itself was approximately a thousand words. Allow me to summarize it for you:
1. Slippers might not be an effective amOeba deterrent.
2. If you can see the water, don’t flush the potter (a.k.a., TOILET PLUMES).
3. Hugging for too long makes people scream.
4. Don’t text and poo.
5. We may never have an answer on the whole disposeable/reuseable shopping bag thing because of tigers.
I hope this helps you stay safe, and uninfected, until we get a vaccine.
In the mean time…
I’m totally adopting a tiger (I wonder if Netflix would want to do a special on that…).
Thanks for readin’.
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